Some people can sit and eat an entire bag of potato chips in one sitting. I can do that with a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs and a bag of chips. And just in case you’re wondering, sometimes I eat both at the same time. One after the other. Salty followed by sweet. In that order. I wish I was exaggerating for comedic effect, but I’m not. Yeah, I don’t know how I don’t weigh 400 pounds either.
I am ready for all of the holiday candy to go away. It has been present and readily available since Halloween and I’m ready for it to stop. Like some kind of shady, back-alley dealer, all of the grocery stores have been pushing these sugar-laden drugs on me for months now. Today my willpower finally gave out. A chocoholic can only hold out for so long.
I had been good. I didn’t buy the candy corn at Halloween, avoided the peppermint bark at Christmas and didn’t eat a single candy heart during Valentine’s. I have been so good for so long. But now the Easter candy has appeared and I just can’t take it.
This morning, after dropping the kids off at school, I headed YogaWorks. I learned the hard way that it’s best not to eat prior to this Sculptworks cardio class, so after a 55 minutes workout that made me want to throw a kettle ball at my instructor, I was starving. And that was putting it mildly. I was what a friend calls “hangry.” Hungry+Angry=Hangry. You know that person that gets extremely grumpy when they’re hungry? Yeah, I’m one of those. And as luck would have it, the errand I needed to run after the class just happened to be to the grocery store.
You probably know where I’m going with this.
I only needed a few things: a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. (If you don’t get that joke, you didn’t watch much Sesame Street in the 70’s). You’ve probably heard the saying, “Never go to the grocery store hungry.” We’ll add to that, “…especially after just coming from a workout that has left you believing that you have earned the right to eat whatever your heart desires.”
I didn’t even pretend to avoid the Easter Candy aisle. All of my enemies were there waiting for me: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. Jelly Beans the flavor of Starbursts. Whoppers Robin Eggs. And Peeps. Don’t leave out the Peeps. Those things are made by Satan himself.
My grocery cart was filled with a lot more than just a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. The amount of junk that I loaded up with was embarrassing. The guy at the cash register saw all of the candy and asked, “Working on the kids’ Easter baskets?” Yeah, sure that’s it. It’s all for the kids.
Except it wasn’t. It was for me. And I took it home and ate it as quickly as possible to avoid having to share any of it with my children. If I can’t be proud, at least I can be honest.
Stop judging me and hand me another Peep.